I recall grocery shopping in the dark at 10:00 pm. I recall not going to the doctor for five years. I recall having to sign up for Christmas vacation in January and worrying that, this year, they’d call me on taking that coveted week every single year.
I recall picking up carpool, dropping the older kids at school at 8:00, going to Target or Kings Soopers with Rachel, dropping her off at preschool at 9:00, commuting 30 mins, working from 9:30 – 2:30, no lunch break, commuting back to get Rachel and then the carpool kids at 3:00 (different schools so, clearly, they always had to wait). Luckily, I had a carpool, so I only had to do this half the time. The other days, I just had to drive Rachel. Until…
…one day the nasty husband of the woman I carpooled with called me to tell me his wife was dropping out of our carpool. I asked to talk to her and he wouldn’t let me. I asked why and he told me that “my wife doesn’t have to work so she doesn’t need to carpool”. I cried. Other families in the neighborhood banded together to help me out and it ended up being OK. That was 15 years ago and I’ve never really forgiven him. Certainly, I’ve never forgotten. (It was a really bad move on his part, too, as we had lots of friends in the neighborhood. And they never did.)
Anyway, in those days I had very little time to myself. I was happy. But, let’s face it, I was tired!
My life now is so different. In fact, I sometimes struggle with the opposite – too much time on my hands. Many of the things I struggled with have been resolved. So, today, when I went to yoga I told myself not to check the clock to see how much longer before class was over. I need to remember who I was years ago. How I yearned for the opportunity, the gift, to exercise. To not have to shop at Costco on the weekend. To be able to schedule all my yearly doctor/dentist appointments. To be able to visit home as often as I want or need.
I need to feel gratitude for the things I can finally do. And I need to honor it.
So, today, I dedicated my yoga class to the person I used to be and I embraced every second of it.